Letter to My Younger Self

Dear younger self,

I’m so sorry for all the feelings you’ve been having all this time. I’m sorry no one listened to you. It must have been so hard to keep it all inside. But I want you to know now that it’s okay to feel. You deserve to have feelings. Your feelings are valid, and they are yours. No one can take them from you anymore.

It’s okay to feel confused. Mommies and daddies aren’t supposed to hurt their children. There’s nothing wrong with you. There never was. Mommy and daddy told you that so they could keep hurting you. It was all lies.  I’m so sorry they confused you. You may never understand why all those times, daddy chose to hold your hand instead of pushing hers away. He was wrong. She was wrong. But you were not wrong. You were just a child.

It’s okay to feel afraid. Instead of fearing monsters, you feared mom and dad. It must have been so scary for you. You had nowhere to hide. I’m so sorry you had to live in constant fear. But you were always so strong, even when you felt afraid. You are one brave little girl.

It’s okay to feel scared. Mommy and daddy made you believe that the world was scary and full of bad people who were going to hurt you. That wasn’t the truth. That’s what mommy and daddy told you to make you stay. The real scary place was home, and the scariest people were mommy and daddy. I’m sorry you feel so scared. It’s not fair. You don’t ever have to go back home again.

I know you feel empty. Mommy and daddy made you believe that you had no purpose, that you were worthless. That must have hurt your heart so much. I’m so sorry for your pain. But the truth is, there are so many good things inside of you that mommy and daddy never wanted you to see. Now you can let those good things free.

I know you feel lonely. Mommy and daddy kept you away from everyone. You were never allowed to talk to outsiders. Mommy and daddy told you that no one would ever understand you, that no one could be trusted. But that was all lies. I’m so sorry they lied you. It hurts to be alone. But there are people here to help you now, to help you feel less lonely. You don’t have to hide anymore.

I know you feel small. All of the bigger people around you didn’t help you. They didn’t notice you were desperate to be saved. It must have hurt so much to feel invisible, to have no one see your pain. I’m so sorry no one let you know how important you were. I see you, and you’re not small. You’re a little girl with a big heart, and you matter. You always have.

It’s okay to feel angry. You can be mad at mommy and daddy. They hurt you, and you didn’t deserve to be hurt, ever. You can be mad at the other adults who didn’t listen to you. They should have helped you. You can be mad at world. You deserved to have good parents, and you didn’t get that. I am so sorry for all of the hurt they caused you. I’m so sorry for all of the anger you’ve had to keep inside. But it’s okay to be angry. You deserve to be angry. I’m angry, too.

It’s okay to feel sad. Mommy and daddy told you it wasn’t okay to cry. They told you that you had no reason to be sad. They hurt you. But they were wrong. I’m so sorry. It must be so hard to hold that hurt in your heart for so long. But it’s okay to be sad now. No one will punish you. It’s okay to cry. You won’t get hurt. You can cry for the childhood you didn’t have. You can cry for the mommy and daddy you wished you had. You can cry for all the times they hurt you. You can cry. You can be sad.

It’s okay to feel hurt. You were wronged, in so many ways you were wronged. The grownups in your life failed you. Your mommy and daddy hurt your heart as much as they did your body. You had to learn to live with the pain. You deserved to be comforted and supported and nurtured, and instead you were hurt over and over again. It wasn’t fair. I’m so sorry that you are hurting.  I wish there was a Band-Aid I could give you that could make your hurt go away. I want you to know now that mommy and daddy can’t hurt you anymore.

I know you feel hopeless. Mommy told you that you would never be away from her. You thought that she would keep hurting you forever. I’m so sorry that you were hurting so badly that you wanted to die. You were just a little girl, in so much pain. Someone saved you from drowning, but no one saved you from what led you there to begin with.  I want you to know that you are safe now. Mommy can’t hurt you. You don’t have to die anymore.

I know your heart is broken. My heart breaks for you. You are just a little girl. A beautiful, intelligent, strong, kind, amazingly courageous little girl.

I know you feel unloved. Children are supposed to be loved by their parents. But something was wrong with mommy and daddy and I guess they missed that memo. It’s not your fault they didn’t know how to love. It doesn’t mean you are unlovable. You are so loved. There are good people out there who want to love and care for you. You deserve love and care. You deserve to feel good feelings, too. You deserve so much, and I want you to know that.

Thank you for being so strong. Thank you for being you. Thank you for helping me get here. I love you.

13 thoughts on “Letter to My Younger Self

  1. What an exceptional letter. It took me a second before I realized you started off each paragraph with a feeling that is okay to feel and that she had a valid reason to feel that way. I like how you kept telling this little girl that you are so sorry she was hurt and that she’s safe now. The part that caught me off guard was when you told her she no longer has to die. What a gift to be given, the right to live! We don’t have to die, that’s powerful.

    When you mentioned the band-aide I, being an artist, saw myself painting a band-aide. Strange that I couldn’t see the whole picture, just the beginning of it. How do we bandage up the hurt doled out to us? With love. I think the band-aide is love and it appears the little girl has much of that.

    What a wonderful letter.

    Faith

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I didn’t expect it to end up like this. I was just supposed to write a letter showing empathy to my younger self for therapy, and it ended up turning into so much more. I guess it needed to be written. It was difficult to say the least. And I am still feeling the effects of it.

      Like

      1. I have bookmarked it and will probably return. I may even write a letter of some form to myself.

        Read it as often as you need, you deserve to hear those words and have your feelings validated ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, KJ, I have been having a bit of a hard time, family matters, bringing up dark stuff in Therapy. I read your letter as if you were talking to me. I have read it several times still and I cry each time.
    This is the crying of a child who cannot believe that anyone is helping. I was taught that if I told anyone, or anyone came to help, BAD things would happen to them too, not just to me. So I love the closeness AND it terrifies me – because all the BAD things that are sure to happen next will be my fault. And now I’ve told you. Betsy knows all about My Bloggy Friends and tells me that I can’t hurt them with this. I am so afraid to send this but I know what I would tell my children and my grandchildren and My Bloggy Friends if they were scared like this. My Grownups were WRONG.
    Do It! Holding Your Hand, KJ. TS

    Liked by 1 person

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