Welcome to the closet

I woke up early this morning and found myself snuggled away in the closet, with blankets and a pillow.

I don’t remember a lot of yesterday night. I spent most of Tuesday night crying, which carried into Wednesday morning crying. That was followed by work and intermittent crying, followed by leaving work early and more crying.

Then I found myself wandering the streets crying in the rain. Rain is good for hiding crying, because everyone just assumes it’s the rain on your face. I mean, you can’t really tell tears from raindrops. So I just let it out and no one noticed a thing.

And then I found my way home, feeling completely broken. Took a shower to get rid of the chill in my bones, and ended up holding myself up against the wall of the shower, crying.

I managed to eat, despite feeling like absolute shit. And then I retreated to my room, where my thoughts were going to horrible places. 

I thought about going home. My place of origin home. I didn’t think things could get any worse, anyway. I didn’t see any options left. I wanted to go home because I secretly wished that my mother would kill me. It would be much easier that way. I wouldn’t have to do it myself. What else do I have left? Nothing.

Later on, I heard knocking at the door. I started to panic. I locked my bedroom door and pushed my punching bag over in back of it, barricading myself in. The fear that my mother had found me was overtaking me. Then I started to lose it. And then the next thing I know, I’m laying in the closet.

The closet is not a comfortable space for a 30 year-old. But my other parts aren’t 30 years old, so they don’t know that. They just believe it’s safe in there, or safer I should say. I don’t believe they or I will ever feel completely safe anywhere we go.

Now I’m dealing with absolute chaos on the inside. Fear and panic have set in. Parts are scared that we’re going to see our mother. It’s absolute fucking chaos.

I’m running damage control and trying to convince everyone that we are safe, which is hard for me to do because I’m not even sure that we are. And even though I’m present, I’m still struggling with having a foot in the past. Any little noise or startle and I start to lose it again.

I’m exhausted.

17 thoughts on “Welcome to the closet

  1. Hello KJ,

    I hear the hopelessness in your words. All of you have choices now and nothing is more important than your physical and emotional safety. Could you all make a room or space in the outside house safe tonight?

    listening, sl

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear KJ: I have some thoughts I would like to share with you, if that’s OK.

    First
    1. It seems to me that you are going through a long and dark and narrow tunnel.
    2. This tunnel does not go on forever.
    3. You will come out into light.
    4. Part of what is so painful in this darkness is what your university did to you.
    5. They said stupid and awful things and accepted your withdrawal in 13 seconds.
    6. I am so bloody furious with them.
    7. You are too.

    Second
    1. You know what anger looks like.
    2. It is terrifying.
    3. It means you will get hurt.
    4. They enjoy hurting you.
    5. You saved yourself from them.
    6. An enormous amazing wondrous thing you, teeny tiny girl did, was decide
    NEVER TO BECOME LIKE THEM.

    Third
    1. You, KJ, are NOTHING like them.
    2. You want to HELP people who are hurting, like you and me.
    3. This is what you study – and will continue studying, and blogging, and PAFPACing… and more.

    Fourth
    When KJ is angry, it is NOTHING like the anger she saw as a teeny tiny girl.

    Love – TS

    Like

      1. Yes, KJ. That makes sense to me. A person travelling THROUGH the tunnel, can not see the light. Hold my hand. Love -TS

        Like

      2. Dear KJ: I have been reading your posts and your columns for awhile.
        Maybe there is no light.
        Maybe you are the light.
        Love -TS

        Like

  3. Are you having a flashback episode? Something that has helped me is NLP, especially anchoring (you can google that and see if it helps you). hang on there!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hi KJ. I’m sad that you’re going through such a difficult time. My therapist might call your experience a “feeling flashback”. You went to bed in your bed and perhaps in your sleep you were triggered by thoughts and images that activated your younger parts to feel intense fear. What’s happened seems understandable in the context of the stress you’re experiencing in your life right now.
    A really positive thing is that you have some awareness that you (younger parts of you) are reacting as though you are in the past; you have some awareness that those reactions are really out of sync with what is actually happening now, in 2016 when you’re actually 30 years old. That awareness is really good. Trying to orient your younger parts to current place and time is important.
    There could be multiple triggers relating to your current situation that have caused the younger parts to feel so scared. Trying to identify those is helpful and ultimately necessary to healing. This can be done along the lines of what “This Shaking” did above — looking at the facets of your current situation and then “floating back” in your memory to what things come up from your past that seem similar.
    Are there some other things you can try to help make your younger parts feel safe? Something I have tried that helps sometimes is to bring in an imaginal resource person — someone strong and powerful (maybe a spiritual figure?) — to help the younger parts. I sometimes visualize “Amma” (you can google her – she is a spiritual figure a little bit like Mother Theresa) standing up to my abuser and comforting and protecting my baby, child and older parts. But your imaginal resource person needs to be someone who makes sense to you, who you can feel a sense of deep trust in.
    Also, is there any kind of self-soothing or activities you can do to try to shift the fear — listening to soothing music, doing some drawing, etc., open the curtains in your room and let some light in?
    Can you call your therapist?
    This will pass. I’m sure of it.
    Sending you support. A.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Darkness: I hold your hand with love. TS

    PS I am leaving for my own T session now, so I won’t be able to talk again until tonight. But I am taking you with me in my heart. Love TS

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi, it’s Faith from Sundrip again.
    I too got in the closet a lot. I did it as a child and an adult. I took the phone in with me. As an adult I felt bad about being in the closet but then I was given permission to. I had a blanket and pillow as well as soft bears and such. It just felt better, quieter inside. It let me get myself together, let me feel safe. As time moved on the place in the house we went to to feel safe changed. No matter what house I lived in there was a designated safe place. It’s ok to do that, to have a safe place even if it’s not a traditional one. You guys get to choose.
    With hope
    Me

    Liked by 1 person

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