I’m not even sure if it is a good idea to write. My mind is all over the place. My heart is all over the place. Everything around me seems to be falling apart, and I am there, falling apart myself.
My head hurts. I couldn’t figure out why it hurt so bad this afternoon. Then, upon touching my forehead and a reminder from my coworker, I remembered I had banged my head against the table repeatedly just an hour or two before. It is still hurting. Thankfully it is not as swollen now as it was before, but I still have a noticeable mark. The mark of despair.
Today, 11 months to the day since I ran away from home, and feel the world falling apart around me.
I used to say it’s been so many months of freedom, but I don’t know if I can really call this freedom. It doesn’t feel like freedom. I’m forever trapped in my own mind. I’m trapped in the past. I feel so damaged, damaged to the point that I will probably never be free.
My therapist suggested that I consider applying for SSDI. I don’t want to be disabled. I want to be abled. But the reality is that I can’t keep going on like this. I can’t handle working another job. I tried that and ended up having an emotional breakdown.
I’ve run down my savings trying to support myself and pay for therapy. Now that I don’t have financial aid to help me, I’m out of options until I start college again in the Fall. I have to consider stopping therapy, which is a terrifying thought. I have to realize that in the next couple of months, I may lose everything. Even if I get the SSDI, it won’t be approved in time – the process takes months.
I’ve lost a lot of support. I am having to cut ties with people I don’t really want to, because they were connections to my old life that I still held on to. But I am realizing that those ties are not benefiting me at all. They are just causing more heartbreak.
I’ve lost my school. I’ve lost my family. I’ve lost my roots. I’m losing my new life here.
I’m losing my mind.