Please, no

I’ve spent the last hour laying in bed crying, trying to block out the flood of memories that have been bombarding me off and on since this morning.

It all started in therapy. My therapist and I were going over the stages of treatment worksheet I had done last week. We got to the section on medical care, which tends to be an issue for me, but I’ve been working on it decently the last couple of months. Primary doctor. Check. Dentist. Need that. Gynecologist. Initiate panic.

I started feeling sick. My stomach was queasy, my head was spinning, and I felt my chest getting heavy. I didn’t want to talk about it. Please, no, don’t make me go. The panic got worse, and then the memories started flashing before me. I tried to make them stop but they wouldn’t. I remember crying and then I drifted away.

I knew what triggered the memories. It’s the same reasons I’ve avoided going to that kind of doctor. I connect it with what my mother did to me. She said I was sick there, and she needed to help. But she didn’t help at all. She hurt me. Over and over. And it never got better.

The thought of someone being in that position with me is mortifying. I can’t deal with it. Fuck, I can’t even handle it in therapy. Imagine if I was at an appointment, what would have happened. I can’t. It’s not going to happen.

My therapist wants to work on it together a little bit at a time. But I’m scared. I’m so damaged. It’s not even going on anymore but the damage is done. I can’t erase the memories, I can’t forget how it felt.

And if that wasn’t enough, the memories have kept coming, even hours after my therapy session. Don’t tell anyone, they won’t understand. I’m just trying to make you better. I didn’t tell anyone. I was a good girl. So why did it keep happening? Why didn’t I get better?

Daddy is standing there. He’s holding my hand. But it still hurts. Why is he letting her hurt me? Does he know I’m sick there, too? I don’t understand. What did I do? I keep saying please, no but no one is listening. My voice is gone. I close my eyes but I still feel everything.

I don’t want to remember anymore. My heart hurts.

9 thoughts on “Please, no

  1. This is horrfic that you had to endure this! I am so so sorry this happened!!! The gyn is very upsetting to me. I’ve had to alter some things. I dont use a sheet. I like to not make things hidden . I want to see everything. She has to tell me exactly what she will do before she does it and i have to consent to it. It still sets me back . Im so sorry it’s a trigger for you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. For whenever you are ready… I had to have a hysterectomy and vaginal repairs earlier this year. I lost it after one of the preliminary tests I had to do, which was confusing and invasive. After that I postponed the surgery to give myself some space. What ended up helping was to write a letter to the doctor. I mentioned I had some abuse in my history but did not provide any more details than that. She didn’t need the details. What I spent time on was a description of what I needed to feel safe: detailed explanations of what was going to happen ahead of time (not at the appointment or the day of surgery but days/weeks ahead of time) and a promise to stop if I said stop. She was very responsive to this. There are also guidelines online for dealing with abuse survivors in gynecology. I copied them and put them into the letter as well. All of this was empowering because I thought through what I needed and expressed it.

        You could also probably arrange to have a consultation appointment first, without any physical exam. That would be a way to decide if the doctor will be responsive to your needs.

        Just ideas that you might consider for whenever you are ready for this. And I’m sure, thoughtful as you are, that you will think of other ways to protect yourself.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. You have good timing, as this has come up recently in therapy. I agreed to make an appointment soon, but am still struggling with just the idea of it. A letter would be something I could do. I’m good at writing, not so much at speaking out loud.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear dear Jules: This Please No feeling is so familiar to me. A few days ago I found an article on Titration for treatment of trauma and shared it with my T, Betsy. She liked it very much. Today she asked me to imagine a “Safe Place” (I have a teenage camping memory in a wonderful spot, that I am going to use for now). If I can just feel safe in it for a second. Maybe after a while I can do it for two seconds. I’ve been alternating between Please No and Beautiful Valley all day. I will send you the URL. I also like Bethanyk’s ideas a lot! TS

    Liked by 2 people

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