Alone

In times of struggle, I realize that I am essentially alone.

I’ve been playing out this scenario in my head for the last few days. I pack my bags and go back home, knock on my mother’s door, beg for her forgiveness, and she takes me in and I have a family again. But she wouldn’t do that, because I broke her rules and betrayed her. I ran away from home and let people know what she did to her children. I’ll never be her daughter again.

I’m just so desperate. I’m alone.

When others are struggling, they have people to turn to, family to lean on, a significant other to cry with. I don’t have any of that. My family is gone, and I am alone. I struggle alone. I cry alone. I suffer alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

I’m constantly reminded of why I can’t trust people. Then I feel even more alone. Trapped and alone. Living life, barely scraping by, and by the end of the day I am completely drained. I’m not even sure why I keep going through the motions. Does any of this even have a point?

I’m drowning in debt, some of it that isn’t even mine. I’m in school for something that I’m not even sure I can handle. I spend most nights wondering when it will all end. When will my struggle end?

Yes, I’m being selfish and pitiful right now. I’m tired of getting shat on in life while undeserving fuckheads get shit handed to them that they don’t even need or deserve. What the fuck. This is not a life I want.

I have no stable home base. I have no family. I’m losing all of my connections to the life I lived for so long.

What did I do wrong?

3 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Hi Kyra, I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. yes, you are essentially alone outside and it’s something to grieve. Your family had problems and that’s part of what sucks about breaking the cycle. I’ve wondered about the point too. You’re not being difficult. You are in pain and it’s not wrong to want that to be seen and acknowledged.

    sl

    >

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry you have to go through this! You deserve way better. Yes, sometimes people who don’t deserve things get them, but thats just life. We have to try to just move on and find something else that makes us happy. If you aren’t doing something that makes you happy… don’t do it.. it will be a waste of your time since you won’t be able to focus on it and it just won’t work out. If we have the want to do something (like something that makes us happy) we end up excelling in that. Even if it may be hard to change… try out everything to do what YOU want. btw… you are not being selfish.. it’s good to let it out sometimes 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. i have had tender feelings for other people who were not family, more like family replacements. It’s OK to lean on others during these times. I’ve had friends ‘mother’ me when I needed it, until I could begin to provide for myself. You are learning things that others who receive so much will never learn; self-sufficiency, self-reliance, self-compassion, and a deeper compassion and knowledge of others…these are just a few character traits that you are developing that you will hold tight to in later years. More valuable than gold. And you are developing a new family, both inside you, and outside you, one that allows you to thrive and grow and be happy. You’ll get there. You are building something solid inside you, bit by bit. Very hard, but you are doing it.

    Liked by 2 people

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