Anna made a request today.
She wants to color doggies and flowers. She told my therapist to tell me that.
Apparently she likes to color. Which is odd, because I go through periods where I just need to sit down and color. I haven’t in a while, though. Luckily for Anna, I packed my crayons and a few coloring books when I moved. I don’t think I have doggies, but I know I have flowers. I hope that will be enough to make her happy.
I’m not sure why she came out today. I really wanted to get through a session without dissociating. Hell, I want to get through a day without dissociating. I started to talk about how the past week or so has been very low for me. I didn’t even get into the increased dissociation, just the emotional numbness, brain fog, and wanting to die. I find it extremely frustrating/exhausting/confusing how I can be taking so many steps forward, and then within minutes, thoughts of dying take over inside my head. Then it takes a massive effort to suppress those thoughts and not act on them. I’m tired. I don’t have the energy for this. Why? Why do I have to go through this all the time? I told my therapist that no one cares. Then she asked me if I thought that she didn’t care. I corrected myself and told her I didn’t want anyone to care. She asked me why, and I kept telling her it didn’t matter. The reality is that it is easier to completely self-destruct when you know that no one cares about you anyway. What scares me is that there are parts of me that believe that no one cares about them; there is nothing to stop them from total self-destruction.
I remember trying to keep myself present, but it was a struggle at that point. My mind was reaching that clusterfuck stage and I was starting to lose my sense of reality. I remember my therapist coming to sit next to me and that was it. When I came back, my therapist was kneeling next to me holding a pillow up to my hands, asking if I was back. Sometimes it feels like I’m waking up from a dream. Sometimes it feels like I’m just way too drunk and lose sense of what’s going on. It’s hard to explain. I must have been fighting her off somewhat because she joked that I was too strong for her. Then I saw my hand, swollen and raw. The blood was still under my fingernails. I’m sure she was trying her hardest to stop me, but I was a 7 year-old in a 29 year-old’s body. What was she supposed to do?
I guess Anna is still afraid of talking too much. My therapist did say that Anna feels like I am ignoring her. I am ignoring her, I guess. I don’t even really know her. I don’t talk to her. The only way she makes herself known to me is when I find missing patches of skin on my arms; then I know she was here. How am I supposed to not ignore someone I don’t know? I’m sorry, Anna. I’ll try harder, I guess. I’m still new to this. I’m still learning.