They say I look sad. They ask if I’m okay.
I tell them I’m fine. I tell them I’m just tired.
I can’t tell them the truth. I can’t tell them I’m not okay. I can’t explain that I’m tired of living.
So I lie. I lie to push them away. I lie so they don’t have to share the burden of my pain. I lie to protect them. I lie to protect me.
I don’t even understand what’s going on inside my own head. My thoughts don’t make any sense. All I can hear is noise. Loud noise.
I can’t find my words. I try to write, but nothing comes out right. I can’t talk about what’s inside. So I suffer in silence.
I just want them to stop. The memories. The flashbacks. I just don’t know anymore. I can’t tell if I’m 30 or 3. I can’t tell if I’m home or if I’m free.
Because I’m both. I’m living in two worlds at the very same time.
She’ll tell me I’m safe there, but she just doesn’t understand. I know my body is there, but my mind is somewhere else. A different place. A different time. A different me.
I dance on the line. One foot in, one foot out. It’s a line that only I can dance on, because it’s a line that only I can see. No one else sees it. No one else understands it. Only me.
They see me sitting on the couch, safe and fully clothed. That is my present. That is what everyone sees. But they don’t see what I see in my mind. They don’t see me standing in the bathtub of my childhood home, naked and afraid, awaiting my punishment. They can’t see that. Only me.
They see me working hard. They hear me crack a joke and laugh. But they don’t see what I see in my mind. They don’t see me burning in the flames, with every last bit of evil inside of my soulless body turning into a pile of ashes to be stomped upon and smashed into the dirt. They can’t see that. Only me.
I’m dancing the line. The line between past and present. The line between life and death. And I’m dancing alone.
I tell them I’m fine. But I’m not really fine. I never was. I’m not now. And I’m not sure I ever will be.
One thought on “I tell them I’m fine”
You describe living in two worlds so well. Sometimes saying I’m fine is all we have. Xx
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