Support me, but don’t support me

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in the waiting room of my therapist’s office, admittedly a little fearful and pensive. I had just withdrawn from graduate school the day before and I was still dealing with new memories about my father.

The other therapist came out and talked to me for a bit, and offered to give me a hug. I accepted. Within seconds, I started to cry. She continued to hold on to me and comfort me, but I couldn’t stop crying and I pushed her away. In that moment, I needed that comfort and support and warmth and love. But I pushed it away.

I always push it away.

I lived for so long without any support, without any comfort, without any love. I managed to survive because I never knew what support was. You can’t miss something you never knew to begin with.

Now I have sources of support and I don’t know what to do with them. It doesn’t feel right. I want it, but it still feels so foreign to me. And I don’t know how to ask for it, either. It feels so wrong just to want it, let alone to ask for it.

After I read my Father’s Day card out loud to my therapist in our session on Monday, I found myself crying uncontrollably. My therapist assured me that it was okay to cry, so I did. But I couldn’t stop. My therapist asked what she could do to support me, and I just went blank.

“I’m okay.”

Yea. Really, self? You’re okay? I’m sitting there, nearly blinded by tears, with snot running out of my nose, and I still feel the need to say I’m okay. I don’t know if I’m trying to convince myself when I say it, or trying to convince everyone else.

My therapist told me again she was there for me, and asked what she could do to support me.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Inside, I did know. I wanted a hug. I wanted her to sit next to me. I wanted her to hold me. I wanted that comfort so badly. But all I could say was “I don’t know.”

I was afraid to ask for what I needed. I was afraid of being rejected. It’s easier to not ask at all, then to ask and be turned down.

It bothers me that I still can’t ask for what I need.

It bothers me that I still have trouble acknowledging that I have needs.

9 thoughts on “Support me, but don’t support me

  1. I can relate to this, oh boy can I relate to this! I absolutely hate asking for what I know I need to make me feel better and usually it’s because I’m afraid of rejection, more often it’s because I feel if I receive something because I have asked for it, it’s somehow less sincere, like people only did a thing out of obligation and not desire and when I believe this, I always end up feeling worse. 😩

    Like

  2. You should cut yourself some slack. After years of being refused of the right to express your needs it is normal that it takes some time to adapt! The awesome thing is that you go to therapy and work on yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. In my experience, you just have to use your therapist to practice, practice, practice. Three years in and I can text for an extra session and only apologise five times for needing it. It’s slow, but its progress.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have to tell myself that, that nobody can read my mind. It’s almost like I just want them to, because it’s easier that way.

      Like

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