I haven’t written much lately.
I’ve been stuck between two worlds. Sometimes, I am 29 year-old, adult me. Other times, I am 12 year-old, child me.
This has been going on for a couple of weeks now, but more in the last week or so. It is confusing because I know that I am a grownup, but I don’t feel like one.
While I know that I am free from harm now, my 12 year-old self is still frozen in time and constantly in fear that mother is coming.
As a result, I am in an ongoing battle in my head between what I know and how I feel. I know mother isn’t coming, but I feel unsafe. I’m on high alert, just waiting for her to come through the door. I panicked in school the other night because I was scared she was going to find me. I’ve been scared to go to sleep at night because I fear that she will find me and hurt me.
Irrational fears. I know they are irrational to me. But my 12 year-old self doesn’t know they are irrational. For her, they are valid.
My therapist said that there is dissonance between what my adult self wants and does and what some of my others parts want. While I don’t care whether or not my mother looks for me or knows what I’m doing, some of my parts are still too scared of her and feel unsafe that I am so open. It creates a chaotic experience, both inside and out, and ends up causing a downward spiral much like I’ve been experiencing over the last week.
I just want to be an adult again.