These past couple of days have been rough on me. I’ve had no energy, alternating fever and chills, and a pounding headache that would not go away. At first, I thought I was coming down with the flu. I stopped in the drug store before therapy today and looked at the OTC flu medications, and realized I didn’t have most of the symptoms. I had no cough and no more congestion (I had some the day before, but it was probably allergies). Then I looked at the pain relievers. On a whim, I picked up some extra strength migraine medication. I took it, and within an hour, I felt substantially better. The pain in my head is still there, but the sensitivity is gone and I feel like I can actually do something more than lay in bed in the dark.

I completely overlooked the possibility that it could have been a migraine. I haven’t had a migraine in awhile. I used to get them often. Headaches were also a huge problem for me. I remember I had one a couple of years ago that lasted for a month. I was miserable, and nothing I took helped. Then one day I woke up and it was gone.

I’m sure my diet doesn’t help my situation, either. I was so scared I was going to pass out at work yesterday that I ate a half a banana. I don’t think I can adequately explain how hard that was for me. I’ve mentioned before that I have a lot of food aversions and issues with taste and texture. The texture of banana is so off-putting to me. It took me 10 minutes to eat it and I tried very hard not to gag. In that moment, I was desperate.

My therapist has been aware of my eating issues and my previous hospitalization for malnutrition. We’ve only talked about it briefly, but she seemed a little more concerned given our last couple of sessions. Last week, I couldn’t even focus in session because I hadn’t eaten. In today’s session, I told her what happened with the banana and while she was happy that I took that step and ate something “new”, she was worried about the path I was going down. She asked me if I thought there was a possibility I could be hospitalized again. I hesitated. I’ve been taking some vitamins, but I’m afraid it’s not enough. I’m losing my hair, my energy levels are shit, I have regular muscle cramps and I have the all-too-familiar beau’s lines on my fingernails.

I wish it were easier for me to eat consistently. Some days are good for me. I feel hunger; I eat. Other days, I don’t feel hungry; I find excuses not to eat. I try to rationalize it in my head by going over all of the reasons I don’t deserve to eat. It’s horrible. It’s twisted. I admit it. I feel like I am repeating bad childhood habits and experiences, but instead of my mother being the critical one, it’s me. I have a lot to work on. I know that. My therapist doesn’t want me to end up in the hospital; I don’t either. So we’re going to tackle my eating issues a little more in-depth. It’s my fault for brushing it off for this long and pretending like everything was okay.

I have a lot going on this week. I have a full work schedule.Therapy again on Thursday, and a meeting for PAFPAC on Friday. I also need to make sure I have everything I need for grad school next week. I just hope this migraine subsides so I can get everything done.