Evil

I woke up this morning thinking about my mother.

That’s never a way I want to start my morning, but unfortunately I’ve been stuck in a place where her words have become heavily involved in my current self-perception. I’ve been trying to overcome the feelings of being inherently evil, but nothing has worked.

While in therapy Monday, I was discussing people who call their children names and how they might grow up to become that name; it was sparked by something I saw on social media, completely unrelated to me. As the conversation went on and I continued to color my butterfly (we’ve been coloring a lot to keep my hands busy) I said “that’s why I’m evil.” My mother said it so many times, that it came true. I remember feeling nauseated and not wanting to talk anymore. I don’t remember much after that.

My therapist has been trying to help me come up with statements I can use when I feel myself slipping into that self-blaming or evil mindset. I admittedly haven’t done much myself because I’ve been so drained physically and emotionally. But I need to. It’s so strange because on one level I know I’m a good person, but those beliefs get pushed away so easily by self-blame and the belief that I am, in fact, evil.

I thought about what my mother’s intentions were when she said those things to me as a child. Did she genuinely believe I was evil? Or was she telling me I was so I would think I deserved all of the shit she was doing to me? For a while, I believed her reasoning was because she knew I was evil. I never once considered that she used it as a way to manipulate me into accepting the abuse. If I had to decide between delusional or manipulative, my mother was definitely the latter.

Why is this even important? If she believed I was evil, it’s harder for me to believe the opposite. She must have known things I didn’t. If she manipulated me into believing a lie, I just need to remind myself that it was her manipulation and not the truth. I’m not quite sure which side of the fence I stand on. I’d like to be on the side of manipulation, but there’s also a part of me that believes my mother hated me for a reason, and I don’t know what that reason is.

I have a lot of questions that I know will never have answers. Some questions are more concrete. Is my father really my father? There are some genetic improbabilities that have put doubt in my mind for a while now. Is that why I’m evil? But then, what does that matter? That doesn’t excuse her behavior. Am I looking for answers or am I looking for excuses? Then there are the abstract questions. Am I evil? What is evil anyway? Why should I care?

3 thoughts on “Evil

  1. Maybe she hated herself and projected it out onto her beautiful, sweet and lovable daughter. Parents who don’t bother to get help for their own stuff sometimes take it out on their innocent, precious kids. There’s no reason to abuse a child emotionally, verbally or physically. A child is not not evil, how could she be? A parent can and does do evil though.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I go through this too, sometimes, trying to figure out the motivation of people who’ve hurt me. I usually end up sort of excusing them, as in “they didn’t know it would have such an impact,” or “they were just being thoughtless.” But your mom’s malice and cruelty goes miles beyond that. I tend to agree with Patricia. Your mom is very, very messed up and too narcissistic and self-righteous to examine her behavior. I’m not sure whether I really believe in “evil” but if such a thing exists, it is embodied in your mother.

    Liked by 1 person

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