food issues

A few steps back, a few steps forward

~ KJ ~ 5 Comments

Last night was weird for me.

I’m not even sure why it happened, but I started to feel unsafe and fearful.  I knew it because I locked my bedroom door and kept checking it, and then I kept trying to barricade my door.  There was no reason to.  This time, I was semi-conscious of what I was doing, so I was able to stop myself from going overboard.  I knew I needed to convince myself that I was safe and was where I belonged.  I kept a small light on so I could see what was going on around me.  I held my bear close to me.  I searched through my bags to find my note card from the retreat I went on in April.  I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I carried that card with me every day up until a few weeks ago.  It was written by the woman who, oddly enough, later became my therapist.  Among some other things, it says:

You are deserving of a healthy, safe life.  We are here to support you and believe in you.  You are stronger than you believe.

I memorized those words.  I’ve told myself those words.  I deserve a healthy, safe life.  I am safe.  I deserve this.  I’ve made the right choice.  I must have read that card at least 50 times last night.  It’s like I had to convince myself all over again that this was the right decision, and that I’m in a safe place and can’t be hurt again.  It was exhausting.  I still went through today with a general feeling of uneasiness.  Now I am back to carrying around that note card, for now at least.  I feel like I regressed a little, and I don’t even really have a reason for it.

On a more positive note, I did make some progress and went grocery shopping today.  I told myself I was going to try at least one new food.  I chose carrots.  Adventurous, I know.  That’s probably an easy way out for me considering I eat a lot of vegetables, but at least it’s a different color from what I usually eat.  Aside from that, I stayed with my usual food choices.  I did find those chocolate brownie vitamins my therapist informed me of and bought them.  I also bought dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.  I may have gotten excited when I saw them, and even more excited that they were 40% off.  I’m not sure if that was me, my inner child, or Anna wanting those nuggets, but I bought them regardless.  And I’m going to enjoy the shit out of them along with my chocolate brownie vitamins and Cocoa Puffs.

Food issues revisited

~ KJ ~ 1 Comment

My eating habits have been so poor lately.  They’ve always been poor, but the medication I’ve been on is just reinforcing my bad habits.  While Topamax is great for curbing my desire to smoke and drink, it also curbs my already low appetite.  That, combined with nausea, has made it very easy for me to go a day, often longer, without eating.  It doesn’t even take any effort to not eat.  I know it must be affecting me because my roommate made a comment that I looked like I was losing weight, but not in a good way.  I’ve been consuming more Pepto-Bismol than food the last two weeks, so it makes sense.  Part of me doesn’t want to risk making a medication change because the medication is working in other ways.  Then part of me (in a sick way) likes the fact that I don’t have to put forth any effort into keeping up my eating disorder.

My food issues came up in therapy today.  My therapist always e-mails me on the weekends to check-in, and she gave me a list of favorites to fill out and reply back to her.  One of the favorites was food, to which I responded: “Hardest question ever, because food is the worst.  I guess rice.”  I figured she was going to bring it up at our session.  I’ve only briefly mentioned my issues with food because there’s always been so many fires that needed to be put out, that I’ve had very little time to actually sit down and delve into my real issues.  She did bring it up towards the end of our session, about why I think food is the worst, and out of all the foods I could have picked, I chose a food that people find the most bland.  I asked her where I should start.  I told her about my constant nausea, my dramatic weight loss and subsequent malnutrition and hospitalization.  I also told her about my food aversions, which she seemed to understand somewhat, as she is a picky eater herself.  Then I told her about my childhood, how my mother would take away food in order to punish us, how I got used to being hungry.

I told my therapist that I think a lot of my starvation issues in adulthood stem from food being taken away in childhood.  I use starvation as a form of continued self-punishment.  I don’t know.  I just don’t think my poor relationship with food came out of nowhere.  It’s probably a multi-faceted issue.  Who knows.  Then my therapist asked if I could be doing it in a way of being indirectly suicidal, knowing that continuing down this path could eventually kill me.  That hurt.  As much as I’d like to think it’s not, deep down, it probably is.  The self-destructive part of me always seems to be working, even when I’m not conscious of him.

I had to make a promise to my therapist that I would work on at least getting myself vitamins.  I think she’s worried about me, especially with my past malnutrition issues.  She suggested Ensure, but I told her I don’t want to spend $10 on four bottles of shakes.  I don’t even want to spend $10 a week on groceries.  She brought up getting financial assistance to buy food and supplements.  I don’t want assistance.  I’d rather starve.  I made the decision to up and leave.  I got myself into this mess.  That’s not the government’s fault.  I’ll figure shit out.  I’m not in a dire need right now, just overly cautious.  Food is not a priority for me.  It never has been.  I never learned that it should be.

As I was getting my stuff ready to leave, my therapist told me, in her serious tone, “if you ever come to a point that you really can’t afford it, you need to tell me.”  This woman already knows so many of my secrets.  I wouldn’t want to burden her with my shame.

Maybe one day I can have a healthy relationship with food.  But I also need to have a healthy relationship with myself and with my parts first, and I don’t even have that yet.  One step at a time.