Last night was weird for me.
I’m not even sure why it happened, but I started to feel unsafe and fearful. I knew it because I locked my bedroom door and kept checking it, and then I kept trying to barricade my door. There was no reason to. This time, I was semi-conscious of what I was doing, so I was able to stop myself from going overboard. I knew I needed to convince myself that I was safe and was where I belonged. I kept a small light on so I could see what was going on around me. I held my bear close to me. I searched through my bags to find my note card from the retreat I went on in April. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I carried that card with me every day up until a few weeks ago. It was written by the woman who, oddly enough, later became my therapist. Among some other things, it says:
You are deserving of a healthy, safe life. We are here to support you and believe in you. You are stronger than you believe.
I memorized those words. I’ve told myself those words. I deserve a healthy, safe life. I am safe. I deserve this. I’ve made the right choice. I must have read that card at least 50 times last night. It’s like I had to convince myself all over again that this was the right decision, and that I’m in a safe place and can’t be hurt again. It was exhausting. I still went through today with a general feeling of uneasiness. Now I am back to carrying around that note card, for now at least. I feel like I regressed a little, and I don’t even really have a reason for it.
On a more positive note, I did make some progress and went grocery shopping today. I told myself I was going to try at least one new food. I chose carrots. Adventurous, I know. That’s probably an easy way out for me considering I eat a lot of vegetables, but at least it’s a different color from what I usually eat. Aside from that, I stayed with my usual food choices. I did find those chocolate brownie vitamins my therapist informed me of and bought them. I also bought dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. I may have gotten excited when I saw them, and even more excited that they were 40% off. I’m not sure if that was me, my inner child, or Anna wanting those nuggets, but I bought them regardless. And I’m going to enjoy the shit out of them along with my chocolate brownie vitamins and Cocoa Puffs.