A few steps back, a few steps forward

Last night was weird for me.

I’m not even sure why it happened, but I started to feel unsafe and fearful.  I knew it because I locked my bedroom door and kept checking it, and then I kept trying to barricade my door.  There was no reason to.  This time, I was semi-conscious of what I was doing, so I was able to stop myself from going overboard.  I knew I needed to convince myself that I was safe and was where I belonged.  I kept a small light on so I could see what was going on around me.  I held my bear close to me.  I searched through my bags to find my note card from the retreat I went on in April.  I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I carried that card with me every day up until a few weeks ago.  It was written by the woman who, oddly enough, later became my therapist.  Among some other things, it says:

You are deserving of a healthy, safe life.  We are here to support you and believe in you.  You are stronger than you believe.

I memorized those words.  I’ve told myself those words.  I deserve a healthy, safe lifeI am safe.  I deserve this.  I’ve made the right choice.  I must have read that card at least 50 times last night.  It’s like I had to convince myself all over again that this was the right decision, and that I’m in a safe place and can’t be hurt again.  It was exhausting.  I still went through today with a general feeling of uneasiness.  Now I am back to carrying around that note card, for now at least.  I feel like I regressed a little, and I don’t even really have a reason for it.

On a more positive note, I did make some progress and went grocery shopping today.  I told myself I was going to try at least one new food.  I chose carrots.  Adventurous, I know.  That’s probably an easy way out for me considering I eat a lot of vegetables, but at least it’s a different color from what I usually eat.  Aside from that, I stayed with my usual food choices.  I did find those chocolate brownie vitamins my therapist informed me of and bought them.  I also bought dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.  I may have gotten excited when I saw them, and even more excited that they were 40% off.  I’m not sure if that was me, my inner child, or Anna wanting those nuggets, but I bought them regardless.  And I’m going to enjoy the shit out of them along with my chocolate brownie vitamins and Cocoa Puffs.

5 thoughts on “A few steps back, a few steps forward

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