I can’t talk about anything.
I can’t write about anything.
Everything is trapped. My words, my thoughts, my emotions. In the prison cell that she created. And I don’t know how to get any of it out. It’s suffocating me.
I’m still afraid. Afraid of her. Afraid of the truth that I will never be free.
She speaks inside my head. She reads my words. She is everywhere, even when she’s not.
Life Without Hurt 
Dear KJ: She taught you to fear her and to be under her control 7/24. SO EVIL. Are you in therapy?
My T is a guru in trauma and dissociation. I am learning (this is difficult stuff!) that I survived the constant emotional neglect, sexual abuse and physical torture by separating off parts of my brain. Our brains developed differently from those of cared for babies. The parts of our brains that took on the burden of experiencing the impossible are still there. This separation allowed the rest of our brains to develop normally and we look and act like normal kids. WOW…. Are We smart or what!!! But we still have those wounded parts ….. Crystalie – my mother has been in the grave for ten years and I still fear her. Working hard with my T on getting to know those hidden wounded warriors who saved me and show them safety and gratitude and love.
This book changed my life. (My T uses it for post-docs.)
Intensive Psychotherapy for Persistent Dissociative Processes: The Fear of Feeling Real
Richard A. Chefetz.
I am SO GLAD you wrote about this today. You are brave and strong and she did not overpower your courage, your strength, your goodness. I stand with you. TS
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello TS,
I am in therapy. Well, now I am in partial hospitalization. Everything has gotten to be too much for me and I needed more treatment. It is frustrating. What I know intellectually is so much different from my emotional side. I don’t know how to combine the two.
Hidden wounded warriors. That’s so true. I have those, too.
LikeLike
Hi, KJ! I don’t know how to combine the two either but I am learning to love and honor both of them. I guess it’s like having twins. You can tell them apart, and remember who likes spinach and who hates it. And they both love hugs!! Sending them both much Respect and Care. TS
LikeLike