I’m fucking tired

I’m tired.

I’m really wondering how much longer my body (and my sanity) can go on with no sleep.

How much longer can I go to work, half out of it from exhaustion, before I get let go?

How can I write papers for school every week when I barely have the energy to sit at my desk?

How many times am I going to tell my therapist “I don’t know, I can’t think” because I’m literally so exhausted that my brain can’t function?

I wonder if I exist. Do I even matter here? Just carrying on life like I’m not here, locked in my room. I have needs. I need heat and warmth and quiet and safety. I need to sleep.

Anything is better at this point. Maybe I’ll just tell the hospital I want to die so I can get a bed and go to sleep there. I’m going to end up there, anyway, at this point. Exhaustion and desperation will push you to do things you have no business doing. And that never ends well for me. This is the beginning of a breakdown I don’t have time to have.

I just want to sleep for awhile. Is that too much to ask for?

I’m fucking tired.

One thought on “I’m fucking tired

  1. This sounds exhausting. You sound exhausted. I know that stopping things isn’t really an option for you long term, but what if you took a 24 hour period off. From school, from work. Is there a way you could get a sleeping pill? Exhaustion is probably compounding an already harrowing reality for you, and I wonder if a solid, 20 hour sleep, where you can then get up and continue… would that be a possibility? I am thinking of you and hoping beyond hope you get some sleep soon. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

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