Rage

In more ways than one, I am approaching rock bottom. Physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially. I am a disaster.

I left the hospital, but the truth is that I should still be there. And they all told me that. Every doctor I had to see. I don’t even know how many, because they all looked the same to me. Covered by masks and gowns, all I could decipher were voices, all saying the same thing. You are very sick.

I was not prepared. I thought I was just having trouble breathing. I shrugged it off until the coughing got worse, enough that I started coughing up blood on my way home from work. I took a detour to the ER, expecting a breathing treatment and a discharge. Instead I ended up with an admission to isolation with the avian flu, suspected pneumonia, and a COPD exacerbation.

I fought to get out. I left them with little choice; if they didn’t discharge me, I was leaving AMA, and they knew if I left without medication, I could get sicker and die. I still endured their lectures, their voices of concern. You’re very sick, they said. And all I could say to them was I’ve been through a lot worse.

I don’t know how much more my body can take. It’s been through hell, and I just keep making it worse. You would think I’d be doing my best to stay healthy, but I’m just pushing myself closer and closer to pain and death. I walked around aimlessly yesterday, in the cold, smoking cigarette after cigarette, cycling through fits of crying and fits of rage.

I had such an intense urge to die. I ran through the street as cars were turning in, but none of them hit me. Why can’t I just get that one distracted driver to do me in? I tried to cut my wrists, but I couldn’t get my hands to stop shaking. Why can’t I just be strong enough to do it myself?

I think about getting high almost every day. I miss it. I miss not having to think about shit for awhile. I miss the feeling, the feeling that nothing else matters because you can stop giving a fuck about everything for awhile. Poverty is probably the only thing that has been saving me from that right now. I can’t even afford to live, let alone afford coke. But that’s my fault, too. I let people walk all over me, I let them take advantage of me because I’m just so afraid to say no, so worried about hurting people’s feelings at the expense of hurting myself and my own. I paid their bills when I should have just been paying my own. So now they are sitting with their new phones and tablets, and I’m selling mine just so I can afford one more week of therapy and another bag of rice. But it’s my fault. I can’t be mad at anyone else, so I hold it inside, just like I’ve held everything else for so long.

I’ve been thinking about calling my mother. To say what, I don’t know. Maybe to say I’m sorry for being such a horrible daughter. Maybe to hear her voice, to sense her familiar anger. Maybe to ask her why, why she had to do the things she did, the things that have led me where I am today.

Or maybe to let out my rage on her because the rage I’ve been unleashing on myself hasn’t been working. It just keeps building and building and I don’t know what else to do. But I know if I go on like this much longer, the rage will destroy me before anything else does.

8 thoughts on “Rage

  1. Your mom deserves your anger. Your dad deserves your anger. Everyone that failed you deserves your anger. Pointing all our anger towards ourselves is what’s known and comfortable. You deserve kindness and love. I am hoping you can find the many insiders that are wanting to love and protect you.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I can hear so much hurt in your voice, so much anger. And you have every right to be angry and hurt and whatever else it is you feel. I wish there was more I could do. But I’m here, and I care about you.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m here too KJ and I want you to live. Please, I want you to fight as hard to live right now as you have to try to die. You are so special and important and your story needs to be heard. Especially the story of survival and truly living the life you deserve. I’m sitting here with you KJ holding a safe space to share.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dont punish your self for what other people need to be punished for. I hope you didnt call her cause she doesnt deserve to hear your voice she doesnt deserve to know that she has managed to damage you. stay strong for yourself stay strong to prove them that no matter what theyve done to you, youre still managing to smile and stay on your feet. I know youre strong, youre special and you deserve everything the world still has to offer to you. I wanna hug you and tell you that its all gonna be ok. that this will pass. please please please dont think about death. there are so many beautiful moments waiting for you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She already knows how she’s damaged me. I’m not sure she gets it, though, that’s another story.

      I’ve been on this path before. I always wind up getting off, but it doesn’t make it any less…exhausting? I don’t even know. I can’t turn on my happiness.

      Like

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