She asked if I would allow them to perform life-saving actions. If my heart stops, do I want to be revived, if my lungs fail, do I want to be intubated.
I said, without hesitation, no thank you.
I think I took her by surprise. She told me again what it all meant, and I shrugged my shoulders. She doesn’t know how many times I’ve tried to die. She doesn’t know that it would just be an easier way out for me.
I’ve spent the last 16 years in and out of the hospital. I really hate the likelihood that the end years of my life will likely be spent in a hospital.
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if my hospital experiences weren’t so laden with horror. Hospitals are supposed to be safe, healing spaces. But how could they be when that evil woman sat there next to me?
She was never there out of care and concern. She was there to control me. I lay there in my weakest moment and she took it all from me. And I couldn’t fight back. I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t tell her to leave.
Because no one would have understood. They thought she was a loving mother. They didn’t know she was a monster waiting to wreak her havoc. Because the monsters were never under my bed, they were always beside it.
I am trying to be strong. I crack a joke with the doctor. I take a selfie from my hospital bed. But I’m also crying. Because even though the chair next to me is empty, I can still see my mother there, waiting to hurt me.
Don’t revive me. Don’t intubate me. Don’t save my life. I’d rather die than keep remembering.
Life Without Hurt 
KJ. My heart breaks to read those words and know that you lived that horror. I am sitting beside you today and I only want to give you comfort and love. Be strong and safe today.
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Thank you for your comfort and love. I have felt it.
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I also find it really hard to read your words KJ because you don’t deserve to die. I understand why you’d want to, holding the level of pain must be completely unbearable. But part of me wants to tell you to get up and fight (even though I know you do everyday) part of me wants to say “don’t let them win, all those who hurt you so badly. They don’t deserve to win. They don’t deserve to hurt you so completely that you’d rather die.” I want those people to see you win, see you outgrow them, succeed in life, become happy and healthy, I want them to see you leave them in the shadows while you live in the light. I want you to go on to do what they didn’t have the courage for; to live fully and with love and health and confidence. I beleive you can do that KJ, I know you have the strength for it if you choose to, because you’ve already lived through the worst of it. The memories are awful and terrible, but they can’t hurt you, not in the way the real events did.
I hope you choose to live.
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I think I am too tired to fight. Too tired of lots of things. Not just memories.
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Then take the rest. You can rest, you don’t need to die. 🙂
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