She knows

I checked the mail today.

A few pieces of junk mail. A credit card bill. And one envelope with my name and address handwritten on it, in familiar handwriting.

I told myself, this couldn’t be. She doesn’t know where I live. She said she doesn’t know anything; that’s why she gave my friend that letter to give to me. It’s just a coincidence.

I hesitated for awhile. But then I opened it.

There was a single piece of paper inside, with pictures of gravestones. No letter, no note, no explanation. Just a paper with different gravestones for me to choose.

I looked at the envelope again. My mother has always had a distinctive way of writing certain letters of the alphabet. The writing was the same.

My mother wrote out that envelope. She knows where I live. She lied to everyone.

Whose gravestone am I supposed to be choosing?

I am scared. My hands are still shaking, and I can’t stop crying for more than five minutes before I break down again.

She is coming for me. And I don’t want to die.

I’m sorry.

14 thoughts on “She knows

      1. Dear dear KJ: I’m still so afraid of my mother (who has been dead for 8 years, BTW) but I am not at all afraid of yours! She seems to me to be a psychopath (or crazy loon) who wants to terrify you the way she could when you were little. She so misses having control of you. How she misses having power over you. I will sit with you because I want to. Sisters in arms. TS

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thank you for still sitting with me, TS. You are right about my mother. She needs that control, but I’m not going to give it to her anymore. Sucks for her.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I would go there, too. Parts of me are fierce, and sad that I never could stand up to my own mother. I hate her but I am also afraid of her. I can say this with confidence: my mother was just a woman named Vickie, just as your mother was also just a woman with a name. Your mother is like an inanimate object to me. Not only would I sit with you, I would stop her if she made any move to hurt you or anyone else. I will be the stone wall, and you can be the daisy in the field surrounded by stones.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I replied earlier but cannot seem to find it. I agree with TS. Your mother is power hungry within her own home but outside of her home she would never venture to ruin other’s opinion of her. She realizes that you have succeeded in getting away from her and that you will NEVER be back under her control. She is trying to frighten you because now YOU have the upper hand. YOU are the survivor. YOU are the fighter for freedom. YOU found your strength within you. SHE is the weak one. SHE is scared to be without someone to control. SHE is dying because of the evil within her. Please try to think of some options that you now have. 1) you can call the police if she arrives at your door. 2) you can call domestic violence hotline. I have been told that they will meet with me one on one and will get me somewhere safe. 3) you don’t have to answer the door if she is at the door. 4) you can call the police even if you see her on the street – you don’t have to mention that she is your mother. You can tell them you see the woman that has beaten you many times and has threatened your life. 5) remember you have your counselor to back you up at all times.
    I know I speak for many of your readers that we care. I am thinking about you. Hang in there. I promise it won’t be this frightening forever. Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much. Many of the things you said are things my therapist has told me in the past, when my fear of my mother finding me was very much at the surface…calling the police, not answering the door. They are things I need to be reminded of, so thank you for that. I just hope that I can find it in myself to do those things if I ever had to do them, instead of freezing up or breaking down.

      Thank you again. I appreciate your care, everyone’s care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Shit, what a creepy thing to do. No wonder you feel upset! Bad enough that she knows where you are, but on top of that, what she sent has such a threatening tone.

    I think BrokenYetCherished is probably right that she won’t dare to do anything, but it doesn’t hurt to prepare yourself, maybe in some of the ways she suggested. You can probably think of other ways with your therapist. I’m going to assume you will share this letter with her, and she can help you think through what you might need/want to do to keep yourself safe.

    Things are very different now than when you left. You have come so far, and you are not powerless against her any longer. God forbid she ever tries to bother you, but if that were to happen, I know you are the better, stronger, wiser, more resourceful person. She can never win, not anymore.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks.

      Most people have said she won’t do anything, but I really have learned not to take anything concerning my mother for 100%. But I do have more resources now, and more people behind me. I’m in a much better place now than I was back there, and even when I first ran away.

      Liked by 2 people

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