How resiliency screwed me over

She’s a strong girl. She’s got this under control.

No, no I don’t.

Please stop calling me strong. Please stop saying I’m resilient.

You know what resiliency got me? Nearly 30 years of abuse. Why? Because even though I lived in hell, I managed to appear quite normal on the outside. I got excellent grades. I stayed out of trouble. What did that get me? It got me a longer sentence in hell.

Maybe I could have been saved a lot sooner had I done so poorly, had I acted out in school. Those are the types of kids that get the attention. No one worries about the bright girl excelling in her classes. They just assume she’s got it all together; they assume her parents are teaching her well. The only thing my parents taught me was how to hurt.

No one noticed that I never wanted to go home. No one questioned why I would wander the halls after school was over, looking for something, anything to do so I wouldn’t have to go home. No one questioned why I was constantly wetting my pants, why I was always so on edge. No one questioned anything. They only saw my academic skill set and put blinders on for all the rest.

She’s going to be something some day.

Yea. I’m going to be dead. I wanted to be dead. Why didn’t anyone hear me? I couldn’t speak, but I tried so hard to tell them. And no one heard me. All they saw was a bright girl with a bright future. All I saw was a life of intolerable pain that I wanted to end ever since I was a child.

Resilient children don’t want to die. Resilient children don’t try to kill themselves. I was a hopeless child, going through the motions and waiting for the day she would kill me or I would kill myself. That’s not resilience. That’s not strength.

I was a broken child, who grew into a broken teenager, and then into a shattered adult. I have not survived my childhood. I’m still reliving it.

 

8 thoughts on “How resiliency screwed me over

  1. They used to think I was strong too. I know what it feels like to be drowning in the chaos. I’ve learned to manage it, even embrace it to some extent. I hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You sound like you are in a tremendous amount of pain…..and have been your whole life. Your pain was looked over, brushed aside, and unnoticed for far too long. Everyone completely missed you and your brokenness. It makes me sad and incredibly angry. Angry at neighbors, store owners, friends, teachers, school counselors, co-workers, relatives…..the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand. I’ve always been called strong too but felt very much like you are feeling many, many times in my life. I don’t know how but some how I found a way to manage. Some times I feel like that is all I’m doing, “managing”. That’s not living. Other times I feel good about where I am. I wish I had the words to tell you how to get there, I don’t. I pray that you will find some peace and I’m so sorry for your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This post REALLY spoke to me. I didn’t have the same experience as much with my parents, I was severely bullied in school though and I wanted to die every day. I still do lately, it has to be the worst feeling ever. I never saw resiliency as a bad thing, however now I do, and I understand it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry you were bullied, and so sorry that you wanted to die. I think it is the worst feeling ever, and so conflicting.

      I read this post over because I actually didn’t remember it right away. So thank you for bringing back into my awareness. These are feelings I am still battling. Resiliency is a double-edged sword, to say the least.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s