Part of my PTSD makes me extremely alert to sounds in my environment.
This can be a good thing. It can keep me out of possibly dangerous situations and keep me safe. But it can also be a bad thing.
Yesterday at work, I became overstimulated. I was already stressed out by the amount of work I had, there were unknown people going in and out of the door right by me, a lot of voices, and an extremely loud vacuum. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I started to have an emotional reaction. I couldn’t focus on anything because there was just way too much going on around me and I felt unsafe. I almost wish I had earplugs just to shut myself off from it all. So yea, not a positive experience of the effects of PTSD.
I also have sensitive hearing. I will startle awake with any sound and stay awake if it continues. So then I end up laying in bed all night wide awake. At times, frozen in fear. I could be exhausted and still not sleep. You can’t sleep if it’s not safe.
And I’m exhausted. And I have so much schoolwork to do. And reading. And I come to work looking very obviously exhausted and my anxiety and panic attacks have been increasing. Even though I do great work, I’m an emotional mess.
I’m tired. I want to close my eyes and put ear plugs in and just not know anything that happens in my world anymore. Maybe that will be safer.