Why I’ve Been Crying

I’m so used to being able to shut down my emotions, to numb myself entirely of feeling. But for the last couple of weeks, I find myself crying. Consistently crying. I cry in the shower. I cry at work. I cry in the bathroom. I cry walking home. Most nights I cry so much that I end up falling asleep from exhaustion. Normally that would be a bad thing, except that has been the only sleep I’ve been able to get.

Crying gets you in trouble. Crying gets you beat. Crying creates more pain.

I hate crying. I hate feeling weak. I want people to think I am strong and put-together.

I hate crying.

I’m not even crying over one thing. I’m crying over everything.

I’m crying because I’m alone.

I’m crying because I want to belong to a family. I want my family.

I’m crying because I never had the childhood I deserved.

I’m crying because for 29 years, all I was was a pawn in my mother’s game. I was never a person.

I’m crying because the home I am living in doesn’t really feel safe.

I’m crying over all of the relationships I could have had with people, the relationships my mother stopped from happening.

I’m crying because I will never experience the joy of bearing a child.

I’m crying because I’m still so scared of the world.

I’m crying because my father will die before I ever tell him how I feel.

I’m crying because my brother is so far brainwashed, he will never experience true freedom.

I’m crying because so many people could have helped me, but chose to look away.

I’m crying because my mother will never get the justice she deserves.

I’m crying for the children my mother will hurt because I’ve allowed her to roam free.

I’m crying for the people that I’ve hurt because I didn’t know any better.

I’m crying for my younger parts, the ones who miss our mother, the ones who don’t understand why we had to leave.

I’m crying for my younger parts, the ones who got hurt instead of me, the ones still in so much pain.

I’m crying because I’m exhausted. I just want to be able to sleep.

I’m crying because of the pain in my heart.

I’m crying because I fear that a piece of my mother lives inside me, making me just like her.

I don’t want to cry anymore.

4 thoughts on “Why I’ve Been Crying

  1. HI,

    All of these are reasons to cry. You aren’t weak. I’m sorry your young ones don’t understand why you had to leave. I’m sorry you won’t experience the joy of bearing children. I’m sorry if they took that from you. I’m sorry for what she did to all of you. sl


    Liked by 1 person

  2. I find tears a sign of strength, the courage to feel. You have much to grieve. My eyes teared reading, I can feel your pain, your losses. I am so sorry for all you are handling, feeling and grieving. Salty tears wash like the saline solution used to flush wounds. When the wounds are clean they can finally heal or begin the process.
    I didn’t used to be a crier. But in releasing all the things held in for over fifty years, I cried every morning I wrote and welcomed it. I tend to hold in tears which makes me more robotic.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah, dear one, dear parts, you have so many reasons to cry! My heart goes out to you. It isn’t fair at all. No one should have to experience what you have gone through. Let your tender heart grieve as much as it needs to; you have experienced real losses. Please just remember that you have a lot of people grieving with you and rooting for you in your new life.

    Liked by 1 person

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