It has now been six weeks since my escape. I’ve made it six weeks. In some ways, it feels like time is rushing by me. Six weeks? I just got down here! Where has the time gone? I should be further along by now. What am I waiting for? But then, when I really sit back and think about it, I’ve done a lot in six weeks. I’ve managed to keep a job for the past two weeks. I managed to meet a few people and possibly make a few friends. Yes, I ended up being hospitalized, and yes, I had a breakdown on a bus in the middle of the day. But I came back. Both times. You can’t choose when and where your PTSD will affect you. I can’t wake up in the morning and say “You know what, PTSD ain’t gonna bother me today!” That’s not how it works. The day can be going great and BOOM. Flashback. It just happens. That is life with PTSD.
It has also now been five weeks since I started this blog. I started this blog not really knowing what to expect. I wanted to write about my journey, about my escape from a life of pain into a life without hurt. I also wanted to give others a glimpse into the world of mother-daughter sexual abuse and how it has affected not only my past, but my present and my future as well. So many people are afraid to speak up about it. I was afraid, too. But I’m not anymore. As much as I want to spread awareness of MDSA, I cannot expect people to understand an issue if there’s no one there to speak up about it. I need to be one of those people. And I will be.
I did not go into this expecting my blog to reach so many people in such a short amount of time. Within five weeks, I have over had over 200 visitors, and over 1,000 views. It means a lot to me. Even if someone has only read part of my story, I hope that part has stayed with them. I am especially grateful for those that have continued to follow my story, and those that take time out to comment, even when I may not respond back.
I have also noticed, in the little over a week that I have been writing about my battle with a dissociative disorder, my followers have more than doubled and my visitors have increased significantly. While I went into this originally planning to focus on MDSA, I also plan to write more on my journey with DID. I believe this blog will be changing, just as I am. And it’s for the better.
I also noticed, in reading over some of the comments and going over my recent posts, that I’ve let my recent issue with dissociation overtake my emotions. I intended this blog to be hopeful for others, and instead it became the opposite. I lost the sense of hope I had before. A DID diagnosis isn’t going to change who I am. I can’t let it change who I hope to be; that isn’t going to help others. For all of the shit I’ve been through, a diagnosis will not change me. I let a label define who I was and who I would be. For that, I apologize.
To end on a good note, tomorrow marks the final day of my undergraduate career. I have two papers due, one of them being my thesis. I haven’t really worked on them much (procrastination seems to be a characteristic of any college student regardless of age), but I have actually passed the classes even without the last assignments. All of these years, I have always been about perfection. This last year, I have been on academic survival mode, doing whatever I can to get by and graduate. I’ve been hospitalized five times (four for psychiatric, one for pneumonia) in the last year, I’ve juggled multiple jobs, and managed to plan my escape AND move all while continuing to go to school year-round. And you know what? Through it all, I still managed to get a 3.9 GPA. I will be graduating with honors. I did it.