Some days are harder than others.
Some days, I make it through the day without thinking much about home. Other days, like today, I think about the people I’ve left behind…and it makes me sad. I feel completely alone here.
While I do keep in contact with my best friend, it’s just not the same. We talk on the phone once a week and text a few times in between phone calls. My other friend from work has remained distant; aside from a few texts, we rarely talk. I am too afraid to reach out anymore than I have. I don’t want to push people into something they are not comfortable with, considering they work with my mother. But for a long time, these two people were my only source of meaningful human contact. We would exchange hugs every day when I got to work, and then again when I left. I needed that comfort, that affection, that connection because it was something I had never had before. And now I am back to not having it. Sometimes I think about dropping everything and getting on a train and going back to see them, even if it’s just for five minutes, even if it’s just for a hug. But I know I can’t do that. I can’t go back. And that hurts.
Last week, I became so lonely that I started talking to random strangers on the internet. One of the conversations seemed genuine so I decided to meet him. I just wanted to talk to someone face-to-face. It wound up being a horrible experience and I ended up at a place I didn’t know at three o’clock in the morning with a guy who refused to take me home unless I gave him what he wanted. Once I managed to get home, I walked in the door and immediately broke down crying. I can’t blame anybody but myself. I am ashamed that I even thought anything good would have come out of that.
In therapy today, I talked a lot about my strained relationships with my two friends. Then I disclosed what had happened a few days earlier with the random internet stranger. When she asked why I did it, I told her I needed to connect with someone. I needed to connect face-to-face, not over text or phone conversation. It’s just not the same. At that point, I didn’t care who it was; I needed it that bad. At the end of our session, my therapist asked if she could give me a hug. I tried so hard to hold back my tears. I didn’t want her to let go. For that minute, I felt comfortable. I needed it. She knew I needed it, too.
I’ve spent the last few hours crying to myself. I feel like I am grieving the loss of so many relationships; the relationships with my family (which weren’t good anyway) and the relationships with my friends (which are slowly fading away). As much as I try to pretend like I don’t need people, I really do. I wish I didn’t have to abandon everything and everyone I knew. It’s not fair. While I may be safe, I am so incredibly alone.