Some days are harder than others.
Some days, I make it through the day without thinking much about home. Other days, like today, I think about the people I’ve left behind…and it makes me sad. I feel completely alone here.
While I do keep in contact with my best friend, it’s just not the same. We talk on the phone once a week and text a few times in between phone calls. My other friend from work has remained distant; aside from a few texts, we rarely talk. I am too afraid to reach out anymore than I have. I don’t want to push people into something they are not comfortable with, considering they work with my mother. But for a long time, these two people were my only source of meaningful human contact. We would exchange hugs every day when I got to work, and then again when I left. I needed that comfort, that affection, that connection because it was something I had never had before. And now I am back to not having it. Sometimes I think about dropping everything and getting on a train and going back to see them, even if it’s just for five minutes, even if it’s just for a hug. But I know I can’t do that. I can’t go back. And that hurts.
Last week, I became so lonely that I started talking to random strangers on the internet. One of the conversations seemed genuine so I decided to meet him. I just wanted to talk to someone face-to-face. It wound up being a horrible experience and I ended up at a place I didn’t know at three o’clock in the morning with a guy who refused to take me home unless I gave him what he wanted. Once I managed to get home, I walked in the door and immediately broke down crying. I can’t blame anybody but myself. I am ashamed that I even thought anything good would have come out of that.
In therapy today, I talked a lot about my strained relationships with my two friends. Then I disclosed what had happened a few days earlier with the random internet stranger. When she asked why I did it, I told her I needed to connect with someone. I needed to connect face-to-face, not over text or phone conversation. It’s just not the same. At that point, I didn’t care who it was; I needed it that bad. At the end of our session, my therapist asked if she could give me a hug. I tried so hard to hold back my tears. I didn’t want her to let go. For that minute, I felt comfortable. I needed it. She knew I needed it, too.
I’ve spent the last few hours crying to myself. I feel like I am grieving the loss of so many relationships; the relationships with my family (which weren’t good anyway) and the relationships with my friends (which are slowly fading away). As much as I try to pretend like I don’t need people, I really do. I wish I didn’t have to abandon everything and everyone I knew. It’s not fair. While I may be safe, I am so incredibly alone.
4 thoughts on “A need for connection”
I’m sorry that you were taken advantage of.
You can file a police report about the incident. You are not the first person he’s done this to, and you won’t be the last.
I understand that this is a difficult situation and choosing to report it can be frightening. Whatever you decide, I hope you’re able to heal and forgive yourself for trusting a stranger. His behavior is his to own, you are not to blame for being in close proximity.
Of course you need a hug and/or don’t want to alone. Check out your area for something that meets regularly and that interests you, a singing group, photography group, quilting, something. Over time, and repeatedly seeing the same group of people, a feeling of belonging occurs. Very valuable. All of us want to feel loved, appreciated and that we belong. Work to find that for yourself.
It’s hard for me keep friendships when someone moves away. But with one friend who moved away, we still email a bit. And I still feel close to her even though I won’t be seeing her much.
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Oh, so many losses. I feel for you (even though I know this was written over a year ago). And also, even though it was so many months ago, I want to say I don’t think it’s your fault at all that you ended up with that horrible guy. When you ache for connection and have never had the opportunity to learn to judge what is safe and not safe for yourself (preferably at a younger age with backup from caring and loving parents – ha, don’t we wish), it is very easy to misjudge that way. Just like your mom’s mental illness doesn’t excuse her behavior towards you, your trusting of someone you met online does not excuse his abuse.
And anyway, you can meet someone online and have them turn out to be great. After all, I met my current and very supportive husband in a random chat room.
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My closest friend is someone I met on AOL nearly 15 years ago, and we’ve been friends ever since. I’ve met some of the best people online. It’s not all scary people.
I’ve stayed away from connecting with anyone new. It feels safer, but it also neglects the need I still have. I have to work on getting my judgment right…like you said, something we should have learned in childhood.
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