After my therapy session and subsequent blogging Tuesday night, I decided to go ahead and make some changes for myself. For the first time ever, I have control of who I am and who I want to be.
I wanted to change my hair color. I could have just bought a box of hair dye from the drug store, but I wanted to do something different. I went to a salon, for the first time ever. I got 10 or so inches cut off and layered. I told the stylist the color I wanted and she immediately made me feel like it was a bad decision. She said it wouldn’t look right, and that I’d regret it. Usually in circumstances in which people disagree with me, I give in to their wants without a fight. But this time, I stood up for myself. I told her I knew what I wanted, and eventually, she gave in. I went from one side of the color spectrum to the other; the change was drastic…and I love it. I received a lot of compliments on it, which made me feel even better about my decision. The best part? My mother can’t copy me. She has no idea what I look like. It’s freeing in a way that I can’t explain.
I also did some shopping for myself. I bought new glasses, some jewelry, and a nice shirt. I probably would have gotten a tattoo as well if I knew where there was a tattoo shop around here. I should think that through a little more, anyway. I don’t want to turn into one of those out-of-control youngsters who goes crazy once they get a taste of freedom. I’m too old for that now.
As if that wasn’t enough for one day, I decided to go to the beach…by myself. I was just going to sit on the far end away from the water and absorb the sun, but by the time I got there it was windy and there was not much sun. I didn’t want my efforts to get to the beach to go to waste, so I took a chance and went into the ocean. This was big for me. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I tried to drown myself in the ocean. I’ve managed to avoid anything further than dipping my toes in the water for that reason. I didn’t want a flashback. I didn’t want to go back to that place. And since I was alone, I was taking a chance that if I went back to that place, I’d have no one to pull me back to reality. But I did it. I went in. At one point, the waves knocked me right down on my ass and I just sat there for a while as the water pushed and pulled me back and forth. But I got through it.
Maybe it was the physical changes I had made that put me in a different place. Maybe it was the Adderall I had taken the night before so I could get my paper done. Who knows. I feel like a different person. Even small changes can mean so much to a person.