I’m still afraid

I’m writing this post while at a point of complete physical and emotional exhaustion, so I will try to make sense as best I can, but I can’t make any guarantees.

I’m still afraid of my mother.

Despite being in a location completely undisclosed to my own family and friends, I am still afraid of her finding me.  I am afraid that one day I will open my front door and she will be there.  Sometimes when I hear my roommate coming up the stairs, I think it’s my mother coming to punish me.  I still have nightmares.  I’m extra vigilant about every movement going on around me, expecting my mother to come out at any moment.  When I get a call or text on my phone, I am afraid to even look, dreading that the person on the other line is my mother.  It’s not like she can reach through the phone and choke me, so why the hell I am still so afraid?

Then today, as I was participating in a group therapy session with guided imagery, my mother invaded my imagination and tried to drown me in a stream.  I immediately tried to snap myself out of it, but the damage was already done.  To me, this was just a clear indication that I am still in fear of her.  I am living my life like a person in fear.  I don’t want to live like that.  But what do I do?

I am still debating on whether or not I should cut ties completely.  I wrote my mother a letter (which I will try to post tomorrow) and mailed it to a friend (so it couldn’t be traced to my location), but she has yet to send it because I am still unsure.  How will she react to it?  Will it put me in even more danger?  I need some type of closure, but I just don’t know what is right.

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