I have been extremely busy this past week. I have a lot to write about, but I haven’t had the chance to sit down and type it all out.
I had a bad experience at work earlier today. A woman came up from behind me and grabbed my arm. I tried my best to remain calm, but I felt myself slipping into a panic attack and snuck to the back where no one would see me. I sat for a few minutes, shaking and crying, trying to breathe and trying not to throw up, trying to block out the intrusive memories that were trying to flood my brain.
Eventually I went back out to the floor, but I was still out of it. I just wanted to keep myself occupied hoping that the flashbacks would go away. A coworker came by and he knew right away something wasn’t right. I told him what happened and he stayed by me trying to get me to calm down. My manager was walking towards me and saw by my face that I wasn’t okay. He asked me if I wanted to go to the back, but I told him I didn’t want to. I needed to be out and doing something. I was certain that sitting idle would only make it worse.
Fortunately I had less than an hour left of work when this incident happened. I was still having flashbacks, and I was still intermittently crying, but I was trying my best to keep myself together. I felt myself drifting while I was on the bus home. I tried to keep myself engaged in something to keep myself grounded. I put my earphones in and listened to Pandora on my phone. I tried to focus on each car that we passed by.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait for the next bus. I bought some hard candy from the drug store hoping it would help distract me. I walked all the way home, crying and breathing like I was about to go into lanor. I kept walking despite my pain and exhaustion, because at that time, I couldn’t even acknowledge the pain in my feet. I was teetering between two worlds: reality, and where my mind believed me to be.
I’m still on edge. The flashbacks have subsided for the most part, but my mind is still not entirely back to the present. I’m exhausted, but part of me fears that sleep will bring nightmares, so I’m avoiding it as long as possible.
I just wish people would be aware of personal boundaries. It doesn’t matter that I have a history of trauma. No one should grab another person like that, especially someone you don’t know.
I wish I didn’t have to break when somebody touches me.