When

When does it end?

The chaos? The loss? The boulders that life keeps throwing at me?

As if being homeless wasn’t enough, I managed to end up being admitted to the hospital.

I thought it was just a cold. After all, I’m a girl with a compromised immune system staying in a homeless shelter with way too many people and their germs. I figured I just caught a cold from one of the other people there.

But then I couldn’t breathe. No matter how many times I used my inhaler, I could barely make it from my bed to the front room 50 feet away. I figured it was just my asthma. I didn’t even have my nebulizer to use. It didn’t seem important to bring, when you have to condense all of your possessions to whatever can fit in one duffel bag.

The shelter called EMS. They put me on oxygen before I even got up from my bed. Nine vials of bloods and two x-rays later, the doctor told me I was being admitted. He saw multiple areas of pneumonia in both of my lungs.

Because that’s what I needed. To be sick. And to be really sick.

I just want a normal life.

2 thoughts on “When

  1. When you’re sick, it’s really hard to have a good attitude. Much of the despair you are feeling may have a lot to do with the infection that is going on. I don’t want to sound like positive thinking is the solution for everything, but I encourage you to change the language so your focus changes too. Rather than saying, “why is this happening to me” or “I don’t need this,” you can try saying something like, “thank you for the doctors that caught this infection in time, thank you for the nurses.” Or “thank you for the people in the shelter” who care for me.

    One of the hardest things for abuse victims to do is to receive love. Sometimes gratitude and taking note of how loved you are can really help. I know your circumstances are really tough right now, but you are loved.

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  2. I’m so sorry you are going through this. You won’t be able to manage the other priorities in your life until you are physically better, so focus on the present at the hospital and getting well. The social workers at the hospital might also be able to help with the housing situation, so as you feel more strength returning, utilize those resources.

    Be safe!

    -Nel

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