I’m Angry at a God I don’t believe in

~ KJ

People like to say that God won’t give you more than you can handle.

But that’s just not true. People are given more than they can handle every day, burden after burden. Sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be an end.

I need to know when it ends, because I’m not really sure how much more I can take.

I’m 31 years old. I should be thinking about my career, about getting a place of my own, about starting a family. I should be excited about life, planning ahead for the great future I will have.

Except I’m not thinking about any of that. Instead I’m thinking about how long I can make it before getting sick again and ending up in the hospital. I’m thinking about CAT scans and surgeries and oxygen tanks. I’m not excited for life; I live in fear of death.

What did I do wrong? How did I end up here? I don’t understand.

I stand here, day in and day out, hanging on by a thread.

And she doesn’t have to struggle at all. She spends her days free of guilt and shame. She fears no one. She worries about nothing. She gets to live in peace. She gets to live without sickness.

And that angers me, too. Why hasn’t God punished her? Why hasn’t anyone punished her? She commits sin after sin, crime after crime, and still she can sit at home and eat her cake. It’s not just. It’s not fair.

She has spent 61 years of her life in freedom, while taking away that freedom from her own children. And we are the ones who pay for her sins. Not her. Us.

This wasn’t supposed to be this way. I spent 29 years of life trapped. When I ran away, I was supposed to be able to experience life for the first time. The struggle was supposed to be over. I was supposed to be free.

Instead I’m faced with reality. The reality that my mother will never be punished, that I will never have justice. The reality that I will always be sick. The reality that I will have spent the majority of my life trapped in that hell.

I know I’ve made mistakes. But I did not deserve this. I’ve had to handle enough in my life, more than any person should ever have to handle. I just want it to stop, but I can’t. Because I am powerless. I’ve always been powerless.

I spend every night crying. I’ve been holding in the anger for so long, and now it’s starting to creep out. I want to scream. I want to hit. I want to destroy something. But all I can do is cry. And I am tired of crying.

I am angry at God. I am angry at my mother. I am angry at the world.

But I can’t be angry at my mother. I didn’t make her stop.

I can’t be angry at the world. They are not responsible for my pain.

I can’t be angry at God. I don’t even think I believe in Him.

So I keep the anger inside, tucked away, hidden from view.

And that anger is killing me, too.

13 thoughts on “I’m Angry at a God I don’t believe in”

  1. You have a right to be angry, very much so. It wasn’t your job to stop your mom – it was her job to never put you in that position. And if God does exist, he’d be strong enough to handle your anger… so feel free to throw whatever you need to at him (this is what my pastor says, though I’m not entirely sure about God either).
    I know that’s not much help, but it’s what I have to offer. That, and my love from afar.

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  2. It makes perfect sense that you feel angry. You’ve suffered a great injustice, a long-lasting trauma beyond what most people can imagine. It’s okay to feel anger about that–anger, grief, and whatever combination of feelings come up for you. You don’t need to tuck it away.

    I want to share something that has been helpful for me. I’ll say ahead of time that it might not be useful to you, especially right now when you are dealing with so much. So please just let it roll off your shoulders if it doesn’t seem relevant. I was just struck by your sentences that say “I should be excited about life…” or “I was supposed to be free…” I have been in that place, too, saying to myself, “I am at the point of my career when I should be earning a lot of money and getting recognition for my skills…” But the truth is I had to quit my job last fall because I was burnt out, physically and emotionally exhausted. I had to give up my status, my salary, and my benefits because my history of trauma combined with the fast-paced demands of the job were too overwhelming. So I felt a lot like you do, “my life shouldn’t be like this.”

    But it’s helped me to remember that there is no “should” or “supposed to” in life. There is no rule that says if I am smart and work hard I get to enjoy a high status job with a good salary. There is no rule saying that a thoughtful, bright, lovely young woman in her early 30s will get to be healthy and finding her true love. Don’t get me wrong, it’s natural to want these things. But it’s not natural to get them. Some people do. Some don’t. And there is no reason, no fairness about who gets it and who doesn’t. You don’t deserve to have the health problems, the financial challenges, the trauma and fear you carry. I don’t deserve to have experienced some sexual abuse as a child and repeated emotional abuse from my first husband. And Ms. X doesn’t deserve to be born into a loving family who pays for her to study at university, where she prepares for a rewarding career and meets a partner she loves. It’s fucking random luck of the universe.

    I don’t know why I find this comforting, but I do. I guess because it reminds me that it’s not my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t bring my trauma on to myself. I didn’t choose to collapse under stress. But without choosing it, that’s my life. Now what am I going to do with it?

    I’ll admit, when I am super depressed and worn down, I don’t feel I have the power to make choices now to change anything. I have to be feeling a bit better, be above just surviving, to feel like that. And I know you have been just surviving for far too long. That is super hard, and my heart goes out to you. But what I am wishing for you, in a gentle, very loving and respectful way, is that you soon feel a little better, a little stronger, where maybe you, too, can start to contemplate how you will use your many talents to move forward from this difficult place.

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    1. Thank you, Q. You’re right about the ‘shoulds’. They teach in DBT not to use the words should or shouldn’t and I’ve been trying not to, but it’s just so hard in the moment.

      I know what you said makes sense. I hope to come back to it when I’m not in such a clouded place.

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  3. There is a place for you here and it is a special one. Try to picture surroundings that comfort you, for instance being held in soft, warm loving hands, or for me, nestled by gentle water falls. There is love to be had, and you have much to give. Find a starting place, a kernel inside where warmth, hope and love can grow. That spark draws those who are safe to you. You will begin a new family where love, support and kindness nurture you and those you interact with and can count on. There is a special place and need for you.

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  4. Hi KJ,

    There are some things in this world that are unforgivable, and for which no justice will ever suffice. It isn’t fair nd it truly might not end. I hope you’ll keep looking for ways to release that anger. It’s totally normal to feel this way.

    You are important.

    sl

    >

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  5. You are allowed to be angry. You are definitely allowed to be angry. And I think freedom comes with anger and pain because you’re finally allowed to experience things you held in for so long. And you’re right, it’s not fair, but you are allowed to rage at that. You are allowed to be angry.

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  6. Crystalie!
    I think of you every single day.
    I think of you every single night.
    I am angry together with you.
    I am angry for you.
    I am with you.
    I am for you.
    TS

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  7. Dear KJ, I grieved as I read your post. Quite poignant. But I couldn’t help but observe 2 things: 1. You know there is a God, but you aren’t sure of His justice & judgements and you arent sure He can be bothered to heal you. 2. You’re overlooking the real source of your pain and bitterness.
    The world was made by God, KJ. But then there’s an unseen host bent on destroying our lives – that’s the devil and his unseen army who carry out devastations on earth. But the catch is we hardly know how to deal with evil spirits. Instead, we take shots at God, which doesn’t make things better.
    God is good, KJ. He wants to heal you and give you true peace of mind and eternal life. It’s the devil who fights unfair and pitches people against each other. And the more we hate and seek justice against each other the more we close the door to healing and wellness.
    Would you do one thing for yourself? Please read the gospel of Mark and pray with the insights in it. I pray in the name of Jesus for you KJ that your whole body and soul and spirit be restored. I pray you live to enjoy life to the fullest in Jesus name. I pray your mum finds conviction for her wrongs and repent. I pray you find grace to forgive her. God be with you KJ

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