Falling apart

~ KJ

Do I exist? Do I matter?

I feel invisible. Just like I did before. I ran away. Different surroundings. Same feelings.

I quit my job. I didn’t want to. That job was everything to me. It was my safe place. It was my family. It gave me a purpose. But it was too overwhelming. I tried voicing my concerns, but no one would listen to me. I asked for help and didn’t get it. I spent day after day struggling to get my work done, all the while watching other coworkers get away with doing next to nothing. I must be invisible. It feels like I’m invisible again.

I’m weeks behind in my work. It bothers me, because I strive to be the best. But I can’t work miracles. I blame myself for my inability to get my work done, even though on some level I know that the problem doesn’t lie with me. I’ve been going to work every day stressed out before I even walk through the door, because I know the piles of work that need to be done and I know it’ll be another day that it won’t get touched. I cry in the bathroom. I talk myself out of bashing my head against the wall. I contemplate walking out of work and running into the highway. Because I am a failure. I can’t even work right. So I gave my notice, because I would rather leave than be told I fail at my job. And no one said a word to me about it. Because I’m invisible.

So I no longer have work to lean on.

Home. I can’t lean on that, either. I don’t want to be home as much as I don’t want to be at work. It’s a consistent source of frustration. It’s a home full of triggers.

I try to be reasonable, but I have limits. I don’t need to be talked to like I’m dumb. I don’t need to be called retarded. I endured that long enough from my mother, and I couldn’t say anything then, I had to just absorb it. But now that I am free, I try to stand up for myself, I assert my needs. I asked her to stop and she just kept on, and then I had to deal (and am still dealing) with the emotional backlash. It may have been a different person talking to me, but it sent me right back to being at home with my mother. Why can’t people just stop when I ask them to stop? Why does no one respect my boundaries? This isn’t even the first time. I must not matter.

And then I go to eat dinner, my only meal of the day, only to find that my food has been eaten. Three days worth of food gone. So I sit and cry, because no one realizes the amount of effort it takes me just to get to a point to want to eat. No one realizes how complicated food is for me. They don’t understand that I eat an entire plate of food in minutes not because I am hungry, but because I am afraid my food will be taken away. They don’t understand that my mother took away my food because I didn’t deserve it. They don’t understand that she would take the food that I bought away from me because she said it was selfish not to share with the family. They don’t understand that I still struggle with food every day.

I’ve explained all this before. I didn’t think I was asking for much. But no one listens. Now I have to repair the damage yet again. Now I have to convince my parts that we deserve food. I can buy more food eventually, but that’s not the point at all. It’s hard to convince myself and my parts that we are safe and can have things if those things are taken away from us. My needs don’t matter. I don’t matter. I exist only for the use of others.

I wanted a different a life, not just different surroundings.

No job. No family. No purpose. No safe place.

I’m tired. I’m emotionally drained. I’m lost. I’m gone.

Everything is falling apart.

17 thoughts on “Falling apart”

  1. Oh, Dear KJ: I want to teleport myself to sit with you, wherever you are. Let’s hold hands. I want to read your August 14th letter to you: “Letter to My Younger Self.” We’ll weep together. Lovingly – TS

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  3. I wish I could sit with you, and just be there for whatever it is you need right now. To cry, to be held, to yell or scream or rage. You are heard here, and we all care so much for you.

    I know it doesn’t fix it, but we are here.

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  4. Pack your bags and travel, hitchhike around the world. Go live abroad for some time, trust me it will open your eyes, your senses, your feelings. Having a different experience, will also give you fresh ideas, looking at your life from another point of view.

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      1. Oh, me too, I am stuck here due to my family. It’s also the reason that I feel like leaving everything behind, forget all obligations and hit the road, beginning a new journey, with someone.

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  5. Do you have a therapist you can call. We have a tendency to recreate the abusive patterns as a way of trying to gain mastery. I can’t count the parade of Mother substitutes I’ve had in my life until I finally realized that if I’m ever to be free of her I have to stop letting people like her into my life.

    It’s important to have a good therapist who can help you work through re-enactments.

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    1. I do have a therapist, but I won’t see her until Monday.

      I’ve had these issues before, though not so many at once. I’m trying to work through it myself, but it takes awhile and then I worry about it happening again.

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      2. No. My therapist did suggest it some months ago. There is a center a few towns away that specializes in DBT, but it’s been difficult to fit in my schedule, and it doesn’t take insurance.

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      3. It sounds like there is no central location for mental health services where you live–that’s a shame if true. I’m not a fan of behaviorism as a ‘total’ treatment but some of it’s ideas are worthwhile as adjuncts. I’m surprised that it doesn’t take insurance.

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  6. You do exist and you do count and it does matter when you hurt or feel ignored.

    You are correct about certain areas having fewer services or poor services.
    In my city there’s a place where the “poor” go for mental help and then choices for others.

    You need common sense to know that mental health is cost effective. Good mental health makes for good business.

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    1. Oh yes, there is a definite distinction between mental help for the poor and mental help for the others. I wish it could just be “mental help for all”, but it’s a business after all.

      Thank you.

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