Smile, it ain’t that bad.

~ KJ

On my way to therapy this morning, a man I had never met before stopped me as I was walking and said “just smile, it ain’t that bad.” Part of me wanted to slap him in the face, but I chose instead to keep on walking so I could get to my appointment on time.

Smile. I have smiled before, in the few moments of genuine happiness. But happiness is not something that comes easily to me. I’m not the kind of person that can force fake emotions. I can’t just smile if I’m not really happy. I am aware that a lot of the time, I look sad, miserable, and worried. Because I am sad, miserable, and worried.

I’m not smiling now, because my mind is racing with anxious thoughts about school. What if it’s too hard? How am I going to get the text books I need? What if they find out about my DID?

I’m not smiling now, because I’m worried about how I’m going to pay my rent next month, how I’m going to stretch my grocery budget so I can feed myself until September, what bills are going to have to be put off for next month, and what credit card I can max out so I can get my bus card.

I’m not smiling now, because I’m exhausted from work, a job I am lucky to still have because I get so stressed out sometimes that I dissociate and have trouble getting my work done.

I’m not smiling now, because I’m tired of constantly living in fear of my mother. I’m tired of having to calm younger parts and convince them we are safe, when sometimes I can’t even believe that myself. Fear takes away any smile.

I’m not smiling now, because I feel so alone. Even when I am surrounded by people, my ability to trust others is so shattered that I live in a constant state of fear of people.

I’m not smiling now, because I sat through my therapy session earlier this morning and cried as my therapist talked about inpatient hospitalization. Because I am a mess. I’ve been dissociating so much that I don’t even know when and if I am ever fully here anymore. Last week was so bad, that people were actually scared of me. And I don’t remember a thing.

I went to therapy last Thursday and barely remember what happened. Apparently it was obvious that I was not present. That seems to be the theme of my life lately. Not present.

I saw the concern on my therapist’s face. I tried to listen to what she was saying, but my mind was just going to other places.

The sinking feeling in your heart when you know your best isn’t good enough.

The hopelessness you feel when you realize you can’t be helped.

All of these things went through my mind. I’m not good enough at life. My therapist can’t even help me. She wants me to go to a hospital, and they’re not going to be able to help me. Then what? I can’t even miss work. I can’t afford it. This is a lose/lose situation.

Despite my doubts, I understand where my therapist is coming from. She is concerned that one little thing will happen and push me off the edge. Next month, when I start school again, it just may be too much for me to handle. I am on a roller coaster ride and she cannot ride with me. She can’t be with me all day, every day, to deal with issues as they come up. And even though I am (barely) managing that on my own, it’s not going to be that way every time. I am headed for a breakdown.

So no, I can’t smile. And yes, it is that bad.

16 thoughts on “Smile, it ain’t that bad.”

  3. Hello KJ,

    I wonder who was around last week. It sounds like someone was angry. I’mm sure there’s help for you but it’s hard when you’re not sure if and when and where it can be found. Hav you visited Poor as folk? Maybe some of her recipes would be helpful, as they’re designed for those who live in poverty. 🙂 supportively, sl

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  5. I have experienced that place that you are in. I know it’s hard to even think positively when you are in that place. My dad just kept telling me, “this too shall pass”- I didn’t believe him. But somehow I am here today and I am thriving. Life isn’t perfect still. I am still trying to figure out bills and how I am going to pay them. I have days where I want to stay in bed. But I am still fighting and I have so many things to be grateful for. Hang in there and know that somehow someway it does get better.

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  6. Hi, KJ! Congratulations on your Brave New Column at Healthy Place. I am so proud for you!

    BTW, the column cross-references this blog. Do you want that??? Big Hugs. TS

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    1. I actually did link this blog back on purpose. I removed it after the whole college ordeal, and since that is over, I decided not to hide any more.

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  7. When people say, this too shall pass I want to know when! If you can’t back up the platitude then don’t say it. Here are a few come back for platitudes.

    Good Morning –
    How do you know? Can you verify that? Can you tell me how you can stand here and tell me it’s a good morning?

    It’s not that bad…
    Objection!!! What evidence would you produce to back up this claim. You can’t throw around claims without proof.

    Smile, it can’t be that bad –
    You better get away from me!! I’m on psychotropic medication and it just this instant stop working!

    Think positive and everything will be okay –
    Leave. Get out of my face. Now, cause I’m not afraid to go back to prison.

    Just thought I’d be helpful and give you answers to statements from sometimes well meaning but off the mark citizens.

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